More Sex please we're Stratfordians

Stratford citizens are agog this morning with the news that a new 'tasteful' sex-orientated premises is to open in the town. Called 'Romeo and Juliet' (now there's a surprise) the owner promises that it will not lower the tone of its hallowed surroundings because it will ownly sell 'tasteful Lingerie'. And 'fun dressing up items'. And 'a selection of sexual health products'. And er...'some adult toys'.
Asked to comment on this new addition to a rapidly faltering High Street economy, Mr Arthur Leer (Shakespeare Wuz Ere's Man on the Street) said, 'I don't know why we need establishments like this in our town. In my day a long raincoat and a copy of the News of the World was quite sufficient'.

Motorcycle Mayhem ? V Police Pettiness?

It's a very odd state of affairs when you have a large number of respectable citizens criticising the Police for basically doing their job whilst at the same time fighting for the rights of of a notorious and some might say criminal, motorcycle gang in the form of the Hell's Angels, to hold a huge rally in quiet Warwickshire countryside. Yes, it's that time again. The Bulldog Bash is rearing its ugly (depending on your point of view) head and the arguments for and against have begun.
On one hand, you have the people who are very aware of the profitability of the event and who insist that it should be allowed on the grounds that nothing has ever happened untoward er...on the grounds i.e. on site, that warrants banning it.
On the other hand you have the Boys in Blue who once again are questioning the provision of a licence to hold the Bash. Stung by the criticism that they received last year for what some described as 'heavy-handed policing', they have, at a rather late stage it must be said, come up with concerns regarding the granting of permission for Long Marston Airfield to hold the Bulldog Bash again. Personally, although they have left it a bit late, I can't see what else they could do considering the recent murder, admittedly outside of the main festival area but a murder all the same and the result of motorcycle gang warfare.
From a personal point of view, I've always been amazed that a renowned motorcycle gang with a world-wide fearsome and violent image are allowed (that doesn't mean to say I'm against it boys) to hold such event just because they, it seems, donate some of the profit to good causes. However, I'm equally amazed that the police continually try to get the Bulldog Bash stopped on the grounds of...well that's the problem, they never let on exactly why they want it stopped? The point being, that if they (the police) know something that we don't, shouldn't they at least give us a clue?
Maybe it is time to let things cool down a little? Give it a rest for say...a year?

Surely not our own, our very own Mr John Maples?

Uh-Oh
Click ME

And from the Daily Mirror...

'Tory John Maples has bowed to public fury and agreed to repay second home expenses he ran up while living at the plush RAC private members' club in London.

The deputy party chairman threatened to sue over claims he registered a room at the there as his "main residence". But Mr Maples did keep collecting his second home allowance after selling a London pad and moving to the club while he looked for another.

The Stratford-upon-Avon MP said he will cough up the cash if a panel set up by David Cameron to examine Tories' expenses finds he was in the wrong. But he added: "I believe that I acted honestly and openly throughout."

If this weren't bad enough, poor old Mr Maples had the PRIVATE EYE having a dig with this article just a few weeks ago...



Anyway, not to worry I'm sure all of this is 'Within the Rules' and Mr Maples has nothing to fear, and besides if the worst came to the worst he's always got his old firm to fall back on...Maples & Calder

Stratford's Weird Weir

A lone Paint Bucket fights its way upstream to its Ancestral Spawning Grounds

Sorry Dad.

Dear Dad,
I hope this gets to you where ever you are. For the sake of argument let's say heaven. Anyway,I want to do two things today. First of all I wanted to thank you for all that effort you put into the war. I know you weren't a violent man and like so many others you HAD to go. I also know (mum told me) you were a man of principle who understood everyones right to justice. I'm so very sorry that the war took your life in such a slow and painful way and that we never got to know each other but anyway...
Secondly, I just wanted to aologise. Today I got a some literature through the door from the British National Party. And to be honest it made me feel sick. It made me want to apologise to you and all the other men and women from this country and all over the world of every creed and colour who gave their lives for what was known as Great Britain. I find the very existence of the BNP a gross insult to your memory and total disregard of what you and others did. Of course, there will be those who say that you actually fought for the freedom of organisations like the BNP to have their say but I'm afraid I can't stomach that especially because they (the BNP) actually want to take certain groups of people's rights away.
Let's not beat around the bush, we know perfectly well what the BNP are. Their attempts to infiltrate the hearts and minds of the good citizens of this country especially at this time of economic problems are,without putting too fine a point on it, disgusting and shameful.
I think that's it. See you one day maybe...

Once again Dad, sorry.

Your loving son.

Stratford upon Avon is unwell.

Stratford is a ghost town. Note that I write 'is a ghost town'. Unlike many articles of complaint, I believe it is too late to scribe, 'becoming a ghost town'. That was written years ago by those of us who saw what was coming.
Like many towns across the UK, shops in the centre (the Heart) are closing every day and nobody is taking up the empty properties, leaving a town devoid of personality except in this case an imagined one, Shakespeare's. Oh sure, there are people, lots of people. However, the hustle and bustle that you might encounter on a visit is false. It consists of tourists buying tee shirts and Union Jacks. The shops that they visit and spend their Euros are surviving on bunting and nick-nacks.
So where have the real shops gone I hear you ask? You know, the Butchers, the Bakers, yes even the Candle-Stick makers. Well, here's the rub, unlike the rest of the UK these shops have not necessarily gone for good, (except Woolworths of course, RIP), they've simply moved a couple of miles out of town to a new shopping centre where the Shakespeare Groupies do not go. This special place is reserved, designed for those of us who want to eat and live, garden and DIY, basic stuff like that. Wonderful, because here, all tastes are catered for. But, sadly the truth of the matter is that what's really behind the glitter and excitement of FREE parking, is an up-market refugee camp where we, me and my fellow town dwellers, are the 'misplaced'. We do not really belong here. Would that we could go back home but we have been driven out by those that have the power to do so. The Cattle Barons who have claimed Stratford Town Centre as their own and imposed ferocious charges on us just to visit. These sly, conniving men who, for reasons best known to themselves have imposed a sentence of slow death upon my town.

Whoops! The Stratford upon Avon Herald drops Clanger...

A sharp-eyed reader of mine pointed out this rather embarrassing er...'mistake' in last Friday's 'my favourite Newspaper'. (Thanks UKSBD)

We don't get many murders in Stratford...so when we do, we expect the full Press Treatment...

...however we don't expect the piece to finish with such a lighthearted flourish...

I haven't laughed so much since the Editor spelt 'GCSE' wrong.

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Kenneth Branagh comes out.

It's interesting to note that yet another (top notch) Lovey has come out in favour of the theory that dear old Shakespeare didn't write the stuff he was supposed to have written. This time it's friend of Prince Charles and very fine actor, Kenneth Branagh. It's interesting because the doubters seem to be growing in strength what with Mark (Hats) Ryland and Derek (Caligula) Jacobi leading the way and expressing their doubts.
Personally, I (admittedly no scholar but I, like the man in the bell tower at Notre Dam, have a gift for hunches) think they're dead right. I've always thought that the whole Shakespeare thing was thought up as a joke. In fact, my own theory is that even the name Shakespeare is a jokey reference to a trembling extra in a crowd scene. The mystery is why would they (whoever 'they' were) do such a thing. I think it was probably a deal set up one drunken night in a tavern somewhere. A laugh, probably a wager on how long they could keep it going.
I also suspect that like the theory that the Vatican has a number of hidden 'gospels' that prove Jesus lived in Surbiton and rode a bicycle with a basket on the handlebars, someone somewhere knows the truth concerning Shakespeare. Of course the reason that these 'secrets' will remain forever hidden is that if they ever became public knowledge then you might as well wave the neighbourhood goodbye.
Personally I blame the Freemasons.

The Bancroft Verdict.

Before I give my much awaited verdict on the the Bancroft Gardens, I'm going to keep Stratford upon Avon waiting just a little longer by saying first of all, that I'm surprised. Surprised and more than a little amazed that the Bancroft project was 'finished' in time for the Birthday Celebrations. I understand from newspaper reports that it was a bit of a white knuckle ride and right up to the wire, but somehow they ('they' being the three workers who were assigned to the expensive project right from the beginning), pulled it off. Well done chaps.

So, what do I think? Has Ted de Stratford been convinced that 4 Million smackeroonies was well spent? The answer to that is easy. No. I cannot for the life of me believe that, that is what it cost. If indeed that figure is correct then I can only assume that the same people who laid my tarmac drive did this job too. 'Ripped' and 'off' spring to mind.

Is it any good? Good question. I must admit to liking the simplicity of it. It looks like it came in a pack. From Ikea. Straight lines, squares (and that's just the trees) and probably a screw loose or missing. All in all very clean and very tidy. Which begs the question, what it will look like in a year when the Great British Public have deposited their fish and chip papers, motorcycles, skate boards and footballs all over its pristine surfaces? I dread to think, which brings me to my next question. Is it appropriate?

No, no, and no again. The brain who designed this obviously went to the wrong town when he or she was researching the project. This is for a town that has a matching Bus Station, or Railway Station or Shopping Precinct even. This Bancroft belongs in a town that is not stuck in the 1950's in terms of attitude and architecture. It sticks out like a sore thumb. This does not make it bad, it just makes it mad and misplaced and by the time the rest of Stratford catches up, its paving stones will be cracked, oil-stained and vomit covered.